Kuroshitsuji Crack
by MikasaAOT7797
Summary: What if Ciel's contract mark wasn't on his eye, but somewhere else? Rated T for sexual suggestions. Will be added to regularly.
1. Chapter 1

Ciel's Awkward Contract Mark Placing

Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji.

It was a fine spring day for Ciel Phantomhive, owner of Funtom Inc. It was raining out, and nothing had been destroyed yet. All in all, it was the perfect day. Until a certain Alois Trancy showed up with his butler Claude, demanding a rematch of the duel that happened in Kuroshitsuji 2. A man of no fear, Ciel quickly agreed.

However, several hours later, both were so exhausted that neither could hold their sword up anymore. Alois called Claude in to take his place while he flirted with Elizabeth. "Hey, that's pretty smart," Ciel thought. He decided to call his butler, Sebastian Micheallis, in to take his place as well. However, Ciel's contract mark was not on his eye, but rather, on his no no zone (dick). He quickly dropped his pants, much to Claude's astonishment, and to Alois' delight.

"Sebastian, fulfill my needs and take my place in the duel!" he ordered. Sebastian simply smiled his smile, and sank onto one knee. "Yes, Pimp Master Ciel," he smiled. With that, he picked up his master and drop kicked him into the Phantomhive Estate, and dueled Claude.

Several hours later, he was back at the mansion, making Ciel an Indian tea that he'd gotten the recipe from Claude. However, Sebastian was being an idiot, and didn't realize that it was a trick. Sebastian put the Earl to bed a few minutes later, and in the dead of the night, Claude took Ciel out of bed. With the Earl, Claude went back to the Trancy manor and ate Ciel's soul, unknown to Sebastian. He would not find this out until early the next morning, where he would let out a stream of profanities so foul that I dare not post them here.


	2. Chapter 2

Kuroshitsuji Crack

Chapter 2

**a/n: Um, I'm not quite sure why I wrote this, but maybe the fact that I was exhausted as hell and it was 2 a.m. helps. There is a lot of swearing in this chapter, so be warned. If you are easily offended or under the age of 10, get the fuck out of this story right now. Otherwise, enjoy! Consider this a late Christmas gift as my way of apologizing for not updating A Living Nightmare in forever.**

Ciel Phantomhive happily skipped his fucking happy ass down the steps of his rather god damn humongous large mansion. Sebastian Micheallis, incredibly hotter than hell butler, greeted him in the fucking dining room with some damn tasty scones, looking rather concerned. "Master Ciel, why the hell are you wearing that?" he bitched in utter bewilderment. Ciel merely scowled at him. "Why? Am I not fucking pretty?! AM I NOT FUCKING PRETTY, YOU IGNORANT BASTARD?! HUH?!" Sebastian hastily scrambled to fix his mistake. "Um, no, sir, but... I believe it is not traditional for young men like yourself, to… um… wear feminine slutty clothing."

Ciel angrily stabbed a scone, his makeup looking rather awkward. "GOD! CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT MY LOVE, YOU ARROGANT PIECE OF SHIT?! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE? HUH?! I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, MR. GOD-DAMN-MOTHER-FUCKING-SHIT-CUNT! I AM NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND LET YOU BEAT ME DOWN LIKE I'M JUST A WORTHLESS BITCH! WELL YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING, FUCKER!" Ciel angrily flipped the god damn fucking table over onto Sebastian, teetering unsteadily as fuck out of the room.

Sebastian stared after him, rather fucking confused as hell. How the fuck had he gotten such a god damn messed up kid as his Bocchan? "Claude. Go the mother-fucking flying pig-shit away." He fucking ordered, not even turning the hell around. Sighing in some bitter fucking disappointment, Claude flew out the damn window, tucking the sexy ass condom back into his "fucking pocket". _Reminder-Stop at Grell's house._

_Damnit. That piece of shit. Who the hell does he think he is? I AM A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL PERSON! _ Ciel angrily thought as he walked down the damn scary ass fucking halls. "DAMNIT! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ROOM?!" Ciel screamed angrily. "Heeeeeyyyyyy sexy lady!" Grell called happily as fuck down those scary ass fucking halls. "Greeeeellllll oh my god I haven't seen you in damn forever!" Ciel screamed fucking happily.

Two long damn fucking hours later, an extremely damn cautious butler opened the fucking door to his Bocchan's room and very, very carefully… hit Ciel over the head with a god damn pan. Scolding the sexy assed fabulously gay Shinigami, Sebastian carelessly dragged Ciel's damn body downstairs. The fucking damn dim glow of the damn kitchen illuminated Sebastian as he stuffed Ciel`s fat ass into the fucking cabinet under the damn sink, carefully securing it with a heavy as hell padlock.

**A/N: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WASN'T THAT FUNNY?! No?! Okay… A very special thanks to my sister Eerie, for… "enhancing" this story. Do you guys want more like this chapter, or more like the first chapter? Remember to review with your answers!**


	3. Chapter 3

Kuroshitsuji Crack: Chapter 3

**A/N: Awe, only 2 reviews last chapter? Well, okay, I guess I should write another chapter, with the help of Eerie yet again… enjoy! Oh, before you guys read, I need to address a review that kinda ticked me off.**

**Guest: **_**What a pointless waste of time… **_**Listen, bud, I don't mind if you don't like what I read. But if you're going to criticize me, please make it constructive. I'm not asking for you to shut up and keep what you think to yourself, but tell me what you didn't like.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Black Butler…**

"Sebastian!" the demonic butler sighed, wiping his hands on a towel. It was barely 8 a.m., and yet the three servants had broken the young master's fine china, caught breakfast on fire, torn up the garden, and God knows how many messes. Before he could go see what the hell they had done, the tiny bell rang. Sebastian sighed again, but set off to see what Ciel wanted.

"Yes, my lord?" Sebastian asked, bowing. His calm façade was up yet again, yet Sebastian was stressing already. Besides his usual duties, Ciel's random cravings, and dealing with the servants, Alois Trancy and his butler were visiting in order for the young Earls to solve their latest case. "Get me something with peanut butter," Ciel ordered. Sebastian cocked an eyebrow. Was this another random craving, or was he going through another phase? He internally shuddered, remembering the time Ciel had believed himself to be a woman.

However, none of his confusion showed on his face. "Yes, My Lord." He quickly left the room, pondering over what to make. He knew plenty of chocolate pastry recipes, but never had he made something with peanut butter. Hell, up until a few centuries ago, he hadn't even known about it. When he reached the kitchen, he saw Bard, guiltily hiding his flamethrower behind his back. Behind him was the charred remains of what used to be Ciel's lunch.

Cursing rather angrily, as only a smexy demon butler could, Sebastian grabbed a jar of peanut butter, and a spoon, glaring at Bard with a look that clearly said "Clean this up. Now." Dashing through the halls, on a very awful day, over Mey-rin he goes, seething all the way. (Ha! You just sang that to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, didn't you?)

Sebastian quickly set the jar and spoon on the young boy's desk, running out the door before Ciel could even look up. And that, my dear friends, is how Sebastian learned that authors who have no social life make bad things happen. Very bad things. Mwahahah. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!


	4. Chapter 4

Kuroshitsuji Crack Chapter 4

Ciel Phantomhive was bored. And Ciel Phantomhive gets bored, Mr. Micheallis, the algebra teacher, went home angry, tired, and battered. Needless to say, it wasn't much fun for him.

It started out innocently enough; a wadded paper ball thrown at the back of his head. Next was a pencil. A ruler. A book. "Is there something you need, Mr. Phantomhive?" His voice cut through the air sharply.

"I'm boooored," Ciel whined, lying dramatically on the floor. "Then why don't you do your work?" Mr. Micheallis asked, irritation laced behind his words. Ciel sat up and crossed his arms, a stubborn scowl plastered on his face.

"Because it's boring," he replied curtly. Mr. Micheallis sighed, raising a hand to his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Do. Your work."

Ciel flopped onto his chair, glaring at the paper. "I don't know how to do this," he declared. Alois Trancy leaned over to him eagerly. "I'LL TEACH YOU!" he screamed in Ciel's ear. Ciel flinched away. "Thank you, Mr. Trancy," Mr. Micheallis said, turning back to the board. "You may use that dark, dirty, cramped, soundproof room over there." He pointed to a door at the back of the room.

Ciel blanched, hastily scooting away. "That's okay, I'm sure Lizzy can help," he said, but Mr. Micheallis shook his head. Alois eagerly grabbed Ciel's hand, dragging the terrified boy to his impending doom. "NOOOOO!" he screamed, prying his fingers into the floorboards. Alois giggled, pulling Ciel away before the stunned eyes of the class.


End file.
